Friday, May 13, 2011


Okay, of my dearest friends who is like a sister to me...we'll call her "Maxine" (to protect her identity)...just read my last post. She called me and said that I'm ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN' CRAZY!!! She called me a bitter and shrewish creature and she's traumatized by learning things about me that she never wanted to know. At this very moment, I have tears rolling down my face and I am LMFAO!!! I love someone who can call a spade a spade. The funny part is that "Maxine" happens to be one of my ex-husband's other wives (one of the six...funny part is that he told me I was #2 but I later found out of was #5).  She divorced him but luckily I got to keep her as a friend.

PLEASE GIVE ME A MOMENT TO REDEEM MYSELF...Although my blog is based on my life experiences, both past and present, I truly am a soft-hearted person who loves puppies and balloons...and I even have lots of man-friends who I think are exceptionally dear and precious!  I love lots of men!  And...I have not given up the hope of finding love again someday.  It's true, I've got baggage...everyone has baggage...I'm just looking for a man whose got baggage that looks good with mine. And believe it or not...I even had a true love once (no one I married, unfortunately)...don't be shocked...he was wonderful and I'll never forget him. There have been, still are, and hopefully will be again, lots of incredible men in my life. They're just not as funny to write about...but maybe I should give them some props.  In fact, let me name some of them (this list includes some of my friends' husbands, too, all of whom I really dig...they're awesome and amazing and I love them no particular order):  Dad, CP, Jim, Steve B., Todd O., Todd E.,  Kent, Bruce, Craig, Bill, Dave, Jay, Steve W., Troy, Mike, Dave B., Dave Y., Ethan, Craig, J-Raz, Mike, Greg, Ellis, TLF (this will forever be an unrequited love), Basil Rupert Winthorpe (he's my imaginary friend), Daniel, Dustin, Devin, Darrin, Jason, Travis, Marshall, Otto, Clint, Jason, and there's plenty of others).

Maybe my next post should be about bitchy, bitter, women. Maybe that will help balance my karmic scales. Oh, my...I could make a novel out of that subject.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

T & A

It is shameful to admit, but I have in the past checked out an online dating site or two. I’ll stab myself in the forehead before I ever admit it again. But if you’re a woman and you, too, have participated in this behavior, I ask you this…have you ever noticed how the biggest, fattest, slobbiest guys or the scrawniest, homliest guys all want the skinny young blondes? Really, guys? Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you had your eyesight checked? And then all the regular guys want skinny, young blondes, too. Sorry, guys…but there ain’t enough for everyone. Statistically speaking, you’re all f---ed!

You see, I have this friend…we’ll call him Mike (in order to protect the innocent) and during a recent conversation, he was talking about the women he was attracted to and a potential girl that he's attracted to.  Well, I ended up experiencing a personal epiphany from the whole conversation. Unfortunately, it was not a heart-warming event…it left me feeling sad and hopeless about men and women and love and relationships. People who know me well know that I scoff (vomit) at the idea of romance (gag) and I don’t believe in true love (at least as far as men are concerned-I do, however, believe that women can experience true love). BEAR WITH ME FOR JUST A MOMENT LONGER, DEAR READER.   ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR.  I believe women can truly love men but I'm kinda thinkin' men don’t really want to love women…at least on a romantic level.  I'm all for lust!  I believe in lust!  I believe that men can experience deep and meaningful lust!  I, myself am always on the look-out for a deep and meaningful two weeks.   I just don't give much credit to romantic love.   I’m not bundling all of you men together in this one category, my dear man-friends…I admit there’s exceptions and I believe that men can truly love their mothers, their siblings, their pets and their children with a true and fierce love. But when it comes to men truly loving women, I'm thinkin' there's not much real love goin' 'round.  So...let's just try to be honest here and call a spade a spade.

Here’s what a typical male’s list of priorities for a potential partner looks like (in a very specific order): Skinny, blonde, young, hot, loves sex (especially oral), great kisser, gourmet cook, independent yet subservient, skinny, likes to drink beer, blonde, likes hunting, a whore in the bedroom, fishing, quiet, always positive, frugal, loves sex, loving (especially physically), blah, blah, blah…and then somewhere down the line you might find something about having a good heart, skinny and blonde.

Here’s the typical female’s list (in a very specific order): Honest, kind, intelligent, funny, loving, loyal, respectable, likes to talk dirty (oops…that’s from my personal list…sorry…it just slipped in by accident), handsome, generous, blah, blah, blah and somewhere down the line we ask for nice teeth and money.

The problem with the guys’ list is that for most of us gals, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to be all of those things. But for the guys, it seems like it would be pretty easy to be a lot of those things that are on our list. Plus, women are able to let go of some of the things on their list. But men...they hold on for dear life. Everything’s a deal breaker, especially when it comes to the young, skinny, blonde thing. They’d rather be alone and dreaming of their non-personality skinny blonde than be with someone who's "plump" (LOL-that is one of the funniest words I know), brunette or and amazingly witty and wondrous (and no...I don't mean to be talking about me...but if the shoe fits...)! I think women can look at all of the traits that we want in a man and if they meet those criteria, any man, no matter how he looks, is capable of becoming hot and handsome to us. But for men, it doesn’t work that way. You can be the most intelligent, loving, loyal, witty amazing woman in the world but if you’re not skinny and blonde then you just don’t make the cut. Everything’s a deal-breaker.

So I find myself very sad today. We have a population of men whose esteems are over-inflated because we as women have been too loving towards them. And we have a large body of women (no pun intended) whose self-esteems are non-existent because we feel unloveable because we’re not skinny and blonde.

Seriously, guys…how often do the skinny blondes turn out to be as wonderful as you think they are? Why do men cheat on skinny, blonde women if they're so wonderful? Well, if their skinny, young blondness is the core of what they have to offer, then men sometimes go searching elsewhere.
Seriously, ladies…how many of you have found your man running around the house naked and then they stop right in front of you and shake their “hang-down” at you and make whooping and hollering noises. Am I too bold in saying that I think we’ve loved them a little too much?  They are obviously way too self-assured or they wouldn't be doing that sort of crap.  It's very unappealing.

Can’t we all just get along? It’s 2011, for the love of God! Let’s all shake up our lists and try to be more realistic! I’ll be the first to admit that I love a man who can act like a caveman in the bedroom (did I really just say that? I think that must have slipped in accidentally, too) but I’d love to see more guys making the effort to look a little deeper and give up some of those unrealistic fantasies. And ladies, I hate to say this (not really), but give a little less love to your men. God knows they don't need it, cuz their self esteems are HUGE compared to ours.  But don’t expect them to be knights in shining armor, either...‘cuz they ain’t ever gonna live up to those expectations either and it's unfair for us to expect that from them when we are asking them to not expect us to be all young and blonde and skinny.  But...that’s a subject for another postal diatribe! Oh, sweet mother of God…just wait ‘til I get started on that one!

*this post is dedicated to my friend "Mike" (remember the name has been changed to protect the innocent) who inspired it.  He might not be too happy about it, but it makes for a good post.